I'm going to stop blogging the way I have been. Someone said something to me, and it's changed my entire perspective of how I approach things. I speak before I think. I let my emotions take the reigns and it lands me nowhere. Something happens and I run to my computer to pour my pathetic heart out in as many words as I can trying to express my feelings. Enough of that. That person knows me better than I thought previously, and it scares me a little. Am I really that transparent and predictable?

I miss the quieter me, the pensive me. The meditative, wiser, more patient me. One thing happens in my life and now I flip my shit over it. I'm complicating everything without ever needing to. Things really are as simple as they appear and I give it all a secret agenda. The words I feel I must put to something in order to make sense of it just make matters in themselves worse. It's impossible for me to just let things happen, to let things go, to let things simply flow as they should.

Someone else told me that I can't plan every detail in my life. That person was absolutely right. I think I have everything planned out and that I'm going to follow that plan until my death. I have to stop planning everything. I need to learn the difference between what should and should not be planned. I need to add a little spontaneity in my life, do a few strange things here and there. I need to relax. I need to take things as they come, and after they pass let them go.

My blog is no longer going to be an outlet for my emotions. My blog is going to be a means of communicating the daily happenings of my life. My blog is not going to be my bloody suicide note, it's not going to be crumpled scribbles of nonsense. My blog is going to be something worth reading. It's going to be an art-of-sorts.

I need to thank you Leonard, for helping me realize so many things. I need to thank you for everything you have done for me. Without you I would be a horrible person. You've helped me so much. I cannot thank you enough.

I'm not writing in this blog anymore. I'm going to stop it where it is, and leave it. There's too much in here that I must detach from. I won't delete it, I won't remove anything. I'm simply going to start writing somewhere else. Where else? Here.

"When I think of all the worries people seem to find
And how they're in a hurry to complicate their mind
By chasing after money and dreams that can't come true
I'm glad that we are different, we've better things to do."


I read that and I see nothing but myself. Time for an attitude adjustment.

Also, those lyrics have inspired my photographic spark.

I saw you for the first time after the fact, and in all honesty, I have never had a more difficult experience in my life. Making eye contact with you was so forced on my part, I'm surprised I managed to do it.

Before I saw you, I had so many things I wanted to say to you, so many conversations I was determined to have. When you walked up to me, all of that was gone. This was the first time I've seen you without wanting to smile. I couldn't. When I saw you all I saw was pain. I finally saw how you where coping, and what I saw hurt me more than any words you could ever speak. I know now that you cared at one point. I know that something was there. I hurt you so much with what I said to you, and as I said what I did, I saw everything shatter around me. I can't ever expect that you'll forgive me for what I said. Just know that I mean it when I say that I am sorry. I simply cannot do it. When I saw the way that you are when I stayed with you, I knew. I knew everything that would happen. Every day in your house, I felt like an afterthought. Now I'm no thought at all. Please talk to me. Please just say "hello" from time to time. Please.

That last translation? Maybe it's best if you don't know. If you feel that you should know what it says, here's the link to the correct translation:
http://speakcritically.blogspot.com/

I cried as I walked to the train. I'm crying as I write this.

Youll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness wont appear within your view
Ill never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, but you dont understand
Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie

Youll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
Youll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you

Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

Youll never live the life that I live
Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night
Youll never hear the message I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, youll never understand
Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am
Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie

I changed the theme of my blog. I was bored with the old theme, and I think this one looks nicer. I'm not sure how I feel about that design on the header though.

I'm currently listening to Fiona Apple and absorbing the disgustingly delicious tones of her voice. If I were to compare her voice to anything it would be a rich caramel.

Talking to you makes things so much easier to deal with. It helps me understand that I'm not the only one going through hell. It helps me realize the truth about our situation. I still don't think the gravity of it all has grabbed hold of me and pulled me back down to Earth. I'm still falling back through the atmosphere and the burns get more intense the faster I plummet back to reality.

I love that I have people asking me if I'm okay. I hate that people can see that I'm not.

I need to start taking photos again. I've been too lazy for far too long. Tuesday I'm going to go out and take as many photos as I possibly can. To learn.

I really hope Nicole is doing well. I feel so incredibly guilty for ignoring her emotions and her well-being. She's been nothing but here for me at this tumultuous time in my life. I've been everything but for her. I really hope she's coping, I really hope she's getting over it. She doesn't deserve the pain she's feeling and no matter how hard I try, I don't understand why nobody else can see how absolutely amazing she is and how worthy of love she is. She is. I love her. I won't ever leave her.

It finally happened. It needed to happen. As soon as you told me who he was with the other night, my mind jumped to crazy conclusions and I finally broke down.


I cried. I cried hard.

I needed to cry. I feel better now. I'm okay. I can do this.

I have to.

Obsédée du pire
Et pas très prolixe
Mes moindres soupirs
Se métaphysiquent...
J'ai dans mon ciel
Des tonnes de célestes
M'accroche aux ailes...
Et tombe l'ange Gabriel!

Obsédée du pire
Un peu trop physique...
L'envie de frémir
Est pharaonique !
...Fi de l'ascèse !
Ma vie s'enténèbre
Moi sans la langue
Sans sexe je m'exsangue !

L'amour, c'est rien !
Quand c'est politiquement correct
On s'aime bien
On n' sait même pas quand on se blesse
L'amour c'est rien
Quand tout est sexuellement correct
On s'ennuie bien

On crie avant pour qu' ça s'arrête
La vie n'est rien...
Quand elle est tiède !
Elle se consume et vous bascule
Le sang en cendres de cigarette
La vie est bien...
Elle est de miel !
Quand elle s'acide de dynamite
Qui m'aime me suive!

Obsédée du pire
Et pas très prolixe
Mes moindres soupirs
Se métaphysiquent...
J'ai dans la tête
Des tonnes de pirouettes
Le saut de l'ange
N'a pour moi rien d'étrange

Obsédée du pire
Et pas très prolixe
Partager mes rires
Plutôt plutoniques
J'ai dans ma sphère
Un effet de serre
Mon sang bouillonne
Je bous de tout, en somme

I keep asking myself, "What is he thinking about right now? Is he remembering all the great times that we had together? Is he trying to pinpoint the exact moment things crashed? Is he thinking of me as much as I'm thinking about him? Is he okay? How is he coping? Is it okay for me to talk to him still? What is going to happen after this? Will I be okay to see him on Wednesday?"


Fuck.

I should not have drank tonight. Very bad idea.

"I hate how destroyed Greg is right now. It hurts me seeing him in such a state because I've never seen him like this before. I hate that I just can't magically make everything better... It make things for the both of us so much easier."

I didn't think I made it that obvious. I didn't think I showed much emotion today at all. I've been trying so hard to keep it all private and keep everything in. I almost cried a minute ago. Almost.


Am I really destroyed? Maybe. Yes. I'll get over it. I always do. There's nothing I can do.

My first day being officially single again has been the most difficult experience of my life. I haven't cried yet. I don't think I will cry. As much as I want to, I can't. I have never wanted to talk to someone so badly in my life. It has taken me so much self-restraint from communicating with you, and I still gave in. I can't help it. I know it's making it harder for you. I'm so so sorry that I'm doing this to you now. Fuck my life. I hate what I'm doing to you. I have to stop. No more. I can't talk to you until I see you on Wednesday. I'll (hopefully) be over it by then. I'll be able to handle myself. I can't help but think I'm going to see you, give you a hug, and completely lose it. I can't help but imagine myself crying in what used to be the most comforting thing in the world, your arms. I hate myself for every bit of pain I'm causing you.

--



"I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands but every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you"

A Label means everything to him. Whitout a label, there is no loss. You feel the way you do because he won't acknowledge the feelings that're there. If he doesn't label anything officially, he doesn't feel any pain if nothing happens because in his mind there was nothing to begin with.

He's afraid that you'll be like the rest and not labelling anything as 'official' prevents him from losing you.

Thank you for finally talking to me.

I can't express how much relief I am feeling at this moment. I mean it when I say there are no hard feelings. No matter how much I tried to believe things could work, I knew that we would be parting ways. I don't blame you for anything. We are on good terms, we are going to be friends. I will not delete your number, I will not remove you from facebook. I was with you for a reason, now that we're not together, I'm going to be your friend for a reason.

At this point in our lives, we cannot be together as a couple. I am okay with that. I know your reasons finally, and I understand them. I understand them in their entirety.


We are on good terms. I will be your friend. Do not cut me out of your life because of this.

If one day you feel that we have another chance at being together, and the circumstances are right. When you have figured your life out, and you have your own expectations. If you feel that one day we could potentially be together again, do not hesitate to contact me. I would say yes. I can't make that clear enough. I will say yes if you ask me again.

For now, it is goodbye boyfriend, hello friend I can trust, who's company I enjoy.

After a conversation with Nicole, I have to write this blog entry. I don't know if it will be short or long, but it will have me writing without hold anything back.

If you've ever wanted to know what I really feel and think about things, this is your chance to ride the action impulses ripping through my cerebral cortex.

I don't want to lose you and I'm finding anything I can to convince you to stay with me. I'm completely honest in everything I've said to you so far. I've never lied to you and I never will. I respect you too much to even consider that. I would never in my life even think of taking advantage of you, or a situation. I truly believe that no matter what happens between us, even if we're apart, that as long as you're happy, I will be too. I put way too much pressure on our relationship too quickly. I went in expecting everything to work out flawlessly, and that I would be with you until the day I die. I realize now that I approached the entire thing wrong. I needed these past two weeks to take a step back and re-assess my expectations from this relationship. I was 5 steps ahead of myself. Anything that you're feeling about us is entirely my fault, because I took everything the wrong way. I realize now that things should build slowly. I understand now what "slowly" is. I had no idea before. I needed your questioning our relationship to force me to look at things from every possible perspective instead of only the one from my wants and expectations. I forced everything on you. I took this relationship to be the be all and end all of relationships. I took this as a lifetime commitment. I was completely wrong. You said "I'm so bored with my life". I had no idea before what you meant. I understand now. Every time we're together, we're in your element with your friends doing your activities. Never once have you come to my side of the city to be with my friends to do what we do. In a relationship, it's 50/50. Fuck, I should've known how to handle this beforehand. I did the same thing with my exchange student. You are in my position a year and a half ago. You have been trying so hard to accommodate me and find ways to incorporate me into your life, and I've done nothing. I'm sure in your mind you feel as if you're putting in all the effort in this relationship and I'm not reciprocating. Fuck my goddamn life. I get it now. I haven't done anything except exist to you! That's going to change. I'm going to involve you, I'm going to invite you places with me. I'm going to set things up. I don't know why I didn't see this before and now I feel so stupid. You know nothing about me and you can't see any similarities because you have nothing to compare to! I haven't shown you anything about myself, my life, hell, I've barely involved you at all! Jesus Christ, now that I understand all this, I really can bring about a change, make things easier, make things right again. Maybe I sound completely mental. Maybe I sound like a genius. I don't know but the least I can do is try, and god I am going to. I won't stop until you say the words "It's over" and I haven't heard that yet. All I need you to do is to be patient, be optimistic, and be open. I'm not worried anymore, even if we do split. I'm not worried. You have made me the happiest I've ever been so far in my life, and you're absolutely perfect in my eyes. I won't ever forget that. Everything in life happens for a reason, and if we stay together, that's great. If we break up, that's not so great, but I've learned so much from you, and I've had such an experience with you. I couldn't be more proud to have been with you. I couldn't be more proud to remain with you. No matter what happens, I appreciate it in the fullest.


--

I'm not going to come out to my parents until I'm absolutely sure it's the right moment in time. I don't want to do it if I'm single, because what's the point? All it would allow me to do is say, "Oh I'm going to the gay bar to potentially find a guy". No. That's not what I want. If I'm telling them, I want it to be while I'm seeing someone steadily, so I can involve them in my family life. I want to be able to have that person over for birthdays, Christmases, whatever. If I'm going to come out to my parents, I want it to be a positive thing to share with someone I care about. I want it to be worthwhile. I know it's going to be bad no matter when I tell them. It's going to be rough, I have no doubt. However, if I can validate it somehow, it'll be easier. I'll have the support of my friends, but I'll also have the support of someone I care about in the most personal way possible.

--

Thank you Nicole and Ashley, for always being there for me, especially when you know I need you the most. I would never have grown this much if it weren't for the two of you. I'm giving you both equal credit because you both have helped me in different ways. You two have helped shape who I am and how I think. If it weren't for the two of you, I'd be in the loony bin. You both provide another perspective and a rationality that I tend to ignore in stressful situations, or any kind of situation really. I love that the two of you are so blunt and honest with me. I love that the two of you tell me exactly what I need to hear instead of consoling me with what I want to hear. I have so many other people for that. I can't have enough of what you provide. I love the two of you so much, I cannot begin to describe, and I want to let the two of you know that no matter what happens, I will always remain faithful, loyal, and loving to the two of you.

--

The past two days have literally been a blur, because my brain has been on overdrive. I have been analyzing every possibility I can, and every aspect of how I perceive the world around me, and how I deal with it. I have grown more in the past two days than I have in the past two months. I can't measure my levels of understanding between now and four days ago. All I can say is that I am so happy I've wrapped my head around this much so far, and I'm only going to progress from here.

--

I need to go back to school. I need to stimulate my neurons again. I feel like I'm wasting away. I cannot remember the last time I sat down and exercised my head. It's time to crack down and start reading again, start exploring this world I live in once more. I need to discover, research, memorize, and comprehend again. When Leonard sits down at his laptop and looks up different designers, and whatever else he's reading up on, I get so jealous. I wish I still had that drive to expand my knowledge. Well, that drive is returning and I'm going to nurture it.

--

This may not seem very in depth to other people who may be reading this, but know that this is probably the most open blog I've ever written on this account. I have not written in this way since my last blog was discovered by the wrong people and I deleted the account, along with every entry I wrote. While those memories and thoughts may be gone, everything that I've learned from them carries on. If you write, you know what I mean. If you read, you can see it.

Enjoy.

I love getting phonecalls like the ones I just received. Grow up please.

I don't know what to do. I don't want us to end. I don't want us to be over at all. You are everything that I am looking for, and everything that I want in someone to share my life with. We have nothing in common. I don't have a problem with that, I don't need that in a relationship. All I know is that you make me the happiest I've ever been and I am so unbelievably scared of that being gone. I want to fight to save what we have. I do not want to lose you.

I hate how hard this is on you, I know it's a difficult decision to make. I wish I knew what you were thinking and how you were feeling because then at least I would understand. In a relationship, for me, all I need is to be happy with the person I'm with, and I am. I don't know about you. We need to talk face-to-face.

I am being completely selfish.

I don't want you to be with me if you are not happy. If you are not happy with me, I do not want to be with you.

I can take things slow. I am okay with just seeing each other like we did before, slowly building our relationship. Right now, after spending a week together with no time apart, every difference, every tiny detail is just so apparent and it's difficult to deal with. If we had gone more slowly, we would've noticed more gradually. It wouldn't be such an apparent problem.

Figure out your reasons for questioning our relationship. Figure out what exactly it is that you want out of it, what you're looking for, how long you expect it to last, how you want to do it. It's harder than it seems, definitely, but it's worth every effort.

If we're going to save this relationship, we both must try hard, and learn when to back off and when to pull closer.

I'm willing.
Are you?

I was thinking about switching sites on which to blog, but then I thought, why bother? I didn't have a good enough reason to switch and I would lose readers who wouldn't bookmark the new page anyway.

Knowing people read my most private thoughts can be such a guilty pleasure.

I never knew parallel parking could be so simple. Thanks dad for taking the time to teach me; now I just need practice!

I don't know how to feel.

Today has been torture to me. I know I can't expect that you've reflected and made a decision by now. I can't help but be upset, yet and the same time I am hopeful. A part of me keeps saying "I hope you see in me what I see in you" and another part of me is saying "Leave me here, I can't handle it anymore".

The longer it takes you to get back to me, the longer we stay together.

--

I'm glad to hear my best-friend made it home safely. I feel badly for not being able to see her today. I had a bunch of things to do today, and that prevented our meeting. I have her gift wrapped and ready for her. It's just a matter of getting a chance for us to sit together, open each other's gifts, and enjoy each other's company like we used to do. I can't remember the last time her and I went for coffee, or for ice cream, or sat on her bed and talked about things going on in our lives.

--

I didn't get a chance to go driving today. I'm disappointed. I really want this to happen, but I can't do it without another person and that is what frustrates me the most. If I could, I would go alone and teach myself, but I can't.

--

Daniela asked me for the link to Nicole's blog today. I told her I couldn't give it out. That's up to Nicole to give, and she clearly didn't give Daniela the link for a reason. I'm not going to betray that. Those are Nicole's private thoughts and although they're on the internet for all to see, it is her url to give out, not mine.

--

Right now I'm listening to Eric Laurence, and I am so relaxed. I love his music, it just calms me so quickly. I wish he would make some more music and put it online for me to download.

Since I didn't have a chance to reflect on them, I took the time last night. Here they are:

Come out to my parents
Finish my car payments
Get my license
Be 100% honest with everything I say
Be a nicer, less blunt person

There comes a point in every relationship where you can see the end of the line approaching. Your every word is a step closer to that edge, and I dread each one.